I sometimes forget to validate myself. I forget that these things that I experience don’t actually happen to everyone. Once I do realize that differentiation, I wonder if I am just a magnet for chaos. If I am chaotic neutral than the chaotic part is in bold. But despite having gone through so god damn much, I still can’t desensitize myself. Every new situation I endure is another bullet wound and I have been bleeding out for years.

I know a part of me has to enjoy being the hero in these stories but the greater part of me thinks that I can’t handle being a hero and I don’t deserve to have that role. A hero is suppose to be someone who can beat the odds but those odds always end up beating me. I am in pain because I have internal empathy instead of external. I can’t formulate how I wish I could take away the troubles of all the people I love, but I feel that way. I truly do. If I could take the burdens away, I would do it in a heartbeat, because I understand on my own that those kind of struggles are frightening and harsh and agonizing. It is so hard. It’s so hard to be a hero with no actual super powers.

Back to my original thought process, I understand that I have been through so much. I understand that I have put myself in the position to experience these things and I do not regret any of them because I wouldn’t be me if I couldn’t help people as best as I could.

Dear EEN,

Today my heart broke for you, because I caused you pain, my heart broke for you because there was a strong possibility that I wouldn’t have been around and I am so sorry I didn’t think about you guys in that moment. You shouldn’t have to worry that one day I just won’t be around anymore. You deserve better than that. It makes it worse because I can’t promise that I will always be here, but I can promise that I will be here as long as I possibly can. Until I simply cannot handle it anymore and when that day comes I want you to know that I love you and it has been quite a ride and I am so grateful to have shared it with you. My soulmate. My best friend. My happy place. My person. You made life worth living despite all the fucked up parts. You helped me as much as you could but I am just too damaged to climb out of the hole I have created for myself. If one day, I am no longer around, just know that you could do what I couldn’t. You could endure and persevere. You could handle anything. You are such a brilliant girl. I love you. Its been a wild ride, glad I could do it all with you.