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The Introductions

Hi! I have created this as away to express my story to anyone willing to listen, or maybe just to have an outlet. I am 18 and about to graduate from high school. I am complex and all over the place, I hope that I can reach out to those who feel as though they are alone, just to feel a little less alone. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I am currently working through that obstacle in my life while also battling the many responsibilities I have. There are many ups to me but also many downs and that is why I am here. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I have enjoyed writing!

Love,

B ❤

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CEB

I truly think it is a rarity to meet people that genuinely improve your life and only ever make it better. There are so many people caught up in toxic relationships because they try to see past the bad actions of an individual, but meeting that one person who just makes all the shitty relationships you have ever had before worth it? That’s remarkable.

I can only think of one person who has always been a source of happiness for me. It’s you S. I can’t think of a time when you ever made me feel bad about myself, fought with me for more than an hour, made me sad, made me upset and feel terrible. You are just a continuous radiance in my life. You make it all better and you make me want to always be better than I was before. You challenge me but agree with me. We are the same but not at all. We are our own anomaly that can’t be figured out but that’s why we work. We are all the good parts that we wish to see more in people.

I always thought the term “ride or die” was ridiculous. I still kind of do. But S you ARE my ride or die. It’s us or nothing.

I adore you. This message was short and sweet but I just had to get it off my chest. I love you to the moon and back.

Breakthrough

Today was different. I had what could only be classified as a breakthrough. Part of me was relieved to have it and another part of me wanted to crawl into a hiding spot.

I don’t usually talk during group therapy, I only ever give feedback. I have a lot of different reasons for my lack of motivation to share my own stories:

1. Talking about it puts a label on myself that I have issues when I don’t want that to be true.

2. Talking about it makes it real. If I don’t talk about it, it’s easy for me to pretend that these things don’t effect me as much as others say they do.

3. I don’t want to have to relive the problems I have been shutting out for so long.

4. I don’t want to share in group because they will only give me feedback that I already understand and have known about.

5. It’s hard to explain why I got to a point where I felt that suicide would relieve me of my emotional turmoil.

Despite all these reasons, I talked today. I actually started talking and didn’t stop until we ran out of time. I told them about my dad, my mom, my friends, myself, my struggles. I told them about how I have basically been self-sufficient for two years now and even though I wasn’t a legal adult, I had been pretty damn close to being one for awhile. I told them about my friend joining a gang and then running away to California because he began to hate us. He ran away and we didn’t know where he was for weeks because he didn’t even tell us. I told them about how I know that you are suppose to lose friends your senior year in order to find the true ones, but I had lost three very close friends of mine in the span of three months. I told them about how, whenever I get panic attacks all I can hear is my dad’s voice pounding in my head all the uncertainties I have about myself. I told them about how I had a grudge against my mom because for five years, she did nothing while her daughter tried to reach out multiple times. When I tried to ask for help, when I thought I couldn’t handle it anymore. But she did nothing each time, and now, when I need her least of all is when she starts trying to be a mom. I told them that I no longer needed my mom to be there, I spent so long wishing for her to help that I no longer need it because I taught myself how to help me, without her. I told them about how I had lawyer so long with this illness because I had kept on pretending that it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I was just being weak. I know now that I was wrong for that and I’m paying for it in weekly panic attacks. I even told them about how I had to call 911 for my friend because he was going to kill himself and later that night he told me that if I had called any later he would have either been hurt badly or died. Which brought up more reasons I don’t like talking:

6. Some of the things I have experienced are horrifying and just cause I am traumatized doesn’t mean I want to put that on anyone else.

7. I don’t want their pity or concern. I don’t want them to feel sorry for me or ask me how I am dealing with it. Because I’m not. I’m not dealing with anything.

So I just kept talking. Going from one topic to another. My grandpa would describe it as “vomit if the mouth.” But my counselor would say it was me finally releasing. I don’t feel better or worse about it. I feel nothing. Honestly, I would rather not do it again. I stand by my reasons.

Despite how I feel, my counselor said the next time I show up, I will start because I need to learn to start communicating more often. Maybe it will start helping. But maybe it won’t.

EEN

Dear E,

I have come to realize that I am glad we ended things terribly because it truly made it easier to get over you. You were the hardest breakup I ever had to go through and my heart still aches thinking about how tragically it ended, but I accept that it did happen and helped me to grow as a person. I can’t take back the happy moments and I wouldn’t take them back. All the photos, drunk videos, long conversations, trading of secrets, empty promises that our future together would be a long one, all the vacations, state trips, reckless behavior, all of that was worth it. It was all worth how terribly wounded my heart is now and may be for a long while. I cherished us. I cherished that constant stream of stability that my life was lacking. I always knew we would end up this way, clearly I didn’t think it would happen this soon but it did and so that is okay too.

I always said I was the villain in these types of situations and I still stand by that. I am the one that doesn’t want to be friends again. I am the one who finally called it quits because of a silly excuse. I know you like the back of my hand. I know communication is hard for you and I pushed so that you would finally retaliate and it worked and finally caused our resolution.

I didn’t want to apologize to your mom because apologizing would mean I felt bad about all those times we spent together and I don’t feel bad at all. I don’t regret them for one minute because at the time I felt like we were really living and we were there for each other.

I am ashamed that our friendship ended because of a boy, or the start of it ended that way. A boy that you must know I didn’t care about losing, but somehow instead of losing him I lost you and that is the one thing I will regret. I was never trying to be mean to you, you know I’m abrasive and super upfront and sometimes my wording can be insensitive. But, I meant everything I said with your best interest in mind. I just wanted to keep you from getting in trouble and after that conversation you did get in trouble so I’m sorry I failed you. I failed you because I could not say what I needed to in time. I tried to be a good friend but it came out all wrong and I won’t ever forgive myself for not being better, being what you needed.

My therapist in the hospital recommended I write to you, without the intention of actually allowing you to hear what I have to say. Just writing out how I feel might help me. I wrote this in the hospital and I’m just putting some of it down here because I need to say it. Not for your benefit but for mine.

Part of me hates you because of how distraught you left me. I never thought I would recover from that and sometimes it is still hard. You put your own defeats and insecurities on me in hopes that I would be lowered to your level. Congratulations, you won, you did it.

No, we can’t be friends again, but you gave me some of the best memories of my high school life and I can’t ever regret that. Thank you E. I love you. Take care.

Treatment

From my time spent in treatment for my depression and anxiety, I have learned many different things:

1. It’s fine for you to be selfish sometimes.

2. They aren’t there to take the pain away, they are there to help you deal with it better and heal from it.

3. This disease comes in so many different forms in people.

4. Perspective is so important when it comes to mental health.

5. Take the damn medicine.

6. I have more anger for certain people than I thought I did.

7. Chances are that the things you do to yourself are for the same reasons that other people do them.

8. There seem to generally be two types of people with this illness: those that are extremely kind but pushovers, or those that can be distant and cold.

9. Sarcasm is not always a method of deflection, sometimes it’s just sarcasm.

10. Coloring books are highly overrated and don’t even help that much for coping.

11. Appreciate your stuffed animals because at night when you are panicking and crying they will be the only thing you can hold on too.

12. It’s okay to cry in front of these people because they know exactly what you are going through.

13. Process group (where you discuss various topics that people bring up) is ineffective and almost always leaves you feeling worse than when you first went in.

14. Process is just the feeling of empathy and sympathy in hyper mode, attacking your emotions and making you feel overwhelmed.

15. You can’t go to school for weeks so you aren’t stressed about it but missing school makes me stressed so….

16. I never realized how much I appreciated my music until I couldn’t listen to it whenever I wanted.

17. Hang out with your family, it does help.

18. Don’t be scared to tell your friends, if they are true friends then they will stick by you and love you through it all.

19. Find that one thing that makes living worth it and let that be your motivation to keep going.

20. If u have a history of substance abuse and you are female, your ability to aim and pee in a cup will progress incredibly.

21. Treatment doesn’t mean you get better right away, it means you are being directed on the right path to recovery.

22. I found that the people that I thought would be least supportive were actually the most supportive.

23. I already knew right from wrong, it was just a matter of me listening to that voice in my head.

24. It does get better.

25. I am going to be okay.

26. You can only help yourself get better if you want to get better.

27. You can’t help anyone else if they aren’t ready for it.

28. It isn’t all your fault.

My Favorite Songs

Just so you get a little feel for the kind of person I am, this is going to be a playlist of my all time favorite songs in no particular order.

•Cheer Up, My Brother -HNNY

•Cigarette Daydreams -Cage the Elephant

•Like Gold -Vance Joy

•Best Friend -Rex Orange County

•Roslyn -Bob Iver & St. Vincent

•Supermarket Flowers -Ed Sheeran

•The Sun in Her Eyes -Soft Ride

•Die a Happy Man -Thomas Rhett

•Piledriver Waltz -Arctic Monkeys

•Heart of Stone -IKO

•Hey Jude -The Beatles

•The Night We Met -Lord Huron

•Like Real People Do -Hozier

•In the Blood -John Mayor

•She’s Always a Woman -Billy Joel

•Piano Man -Billy Joel

•Landslide -Dixie Chicks

•She’s Alright -Jet Black Alley Cat

•Sloppy Seconds -Watsky

•Tongue Tied -Grouplove

•Bad Religion -Frank Ocean

•Hard Times -Paramore

•I Lived -OneRepublic

•Woman -Kesha

•Grace -Bebe Rexha

•Put Your Head On My Shoulder -Paul Anka

•Stand By Me -Ben E. King

•Can’t Help Falling in Love -Elvis Presley

•I Wonder -Kanye West

•Bastards -Kesha

• Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa -Vampire Weekend

•Pillow Talking -Lil Dicky

•Leave -Post Malone

•Lying to You -Keaton Henson

•Little Lion Man -Mumford & Sons

•Rhiannon -Fleetwood Mac

•Killer Queen -Queen

•Bohemian Rhapsody -Queen

•Turn -The Wombats

•More Than Words -Extreme

•Broadway, Here I Come -SMASH Cast

•Sweet Annie -Zac Brown Band

•Come Back to Earth -Mac Miller

•Why’d You Only Call Me When Your High -Arctic Monkeys

•Roses -OutKast

•Space Song -Beach House

•On The Sea -Beach House

•Funeral -Phoebe Bridgers

•Killer -Phoebe Bridgers

•Vienna -Billy Joel

•Soldier, Poet, King -The Oh Hellos

•LA is Lonely -Ricky Manning

“I like beautiful melodies telling me terrible things.” ― Tom Waits