Dear E,

I have come to realize that I am glad we ended things terribly because it truly made it easier to get over you. You were the hardest breakup I ever had to go through and my heart still aches thinking about how tragically it ended, but I accept that it did happen and helped me to grow as a person. I can’t take back the happy moments and I wouldn’t take them back. All the photos, drunk videos, long conversations, trading of secrets, empty promises that our future together would be a long one, all the vacations, state trips, reckless behavior, all of that was worth it. It was all worth how terribly wounded my heart is now and may be for a long while. I cherished us. I cherished that constant stream of stability that my life was lacking. I always knew we would end up this way, clearly I didn’t think it would happen this soon but it did and so that is okay too.

I always said I was the villain in these types of situations and I still stand by that. I am the one that doesn’t want to be friends again. I am the one who finally called it quits because of a silly excuse. I know you like the back of my hand. I know communication is hard for you and I pushed so that you would finally retaliate and it worked and finally caused our resolution.

I didn’t want to apologize to your mom because apologizing would mean I felt bad about all those times we spent together and I don’t feel bad at all. I don’t regret them for one minute because at the time I felt like we were really living and we were there for each other.

I am ashamed that our friendship ended because of a boy, or the start of it ended that way. A boy that you must know I didn’t care about losing, but somehow instead of losing him I lost you and that is the one thing I will regret. I was never trying to be mean to you, you know I’m abrasive and super upfront and sometimes my wording can be insensitive. But, I meant everything I said with your best interest in mind. I just wanted to keep you from getting in trouble and after that conversation you did get in trouble so I’m sorry I failed you. I failed you because I could not say what I needed to in time. I tried to be a good friend but it came out all wrong and I won’t ever forgive myself for not being better, being what you needed.

My therapist in the hospital recommended I write to you, without the intention of actually allowing you to hear what I have to say. Just writing out how I feel might help me. I wrote this in the hospital and I’m just putting some of it down here because I need to say it. Not for your benefit but for mine.

Part of me hates you because of how distraught you left me. I never thought I would recover from that and sometimes it is still hard. You put your own defeats and insecurities on me in hopes that I would be lowered to your level. Congratulations, you won, you did it.

No, we can’t be friends again, but you gave me some of the best memories of my high school life and I can’t ever regret that. Thank you E. I love you. Take care.