I guess this is an ode to you Mr. PC.

I thought I had deleted all the photos but of course I forgot to delete the ones from Snapchat. So here we are.

There isn’t much to say that I haven’t already said to you or other people a bunch of times. But here I am, about to repeat it over again because I want you so desperately to believe everything I say.

Here it goes:

2018 was one of the worst years of my life so far, and it all kickstarted with you and I know that sounds awful, but It’s not even your fault. It just happened to be something that corresponded to you.

You came home from your trip and I was so fucking ecstatic and I just wanted to see you everyday and be with you everyday. I was so utterly in love with you and in love with being in love with someone who loved me just as much. It was perfect and I couldn’t have been more grateful to have you in my life. But, you have baggage just like everybody has baggage. Sadly, that baggage kickstarted the worst year of my life. When your mom started arguing with your uncle, when you went upstairs while I reassured the girls that everything was okay, fully content with throwing my life away if I needed to protect them, there was shouting and the loud sound of stomping footsteps on the wooden staircase. I remember your stoic expression as you gave me the keys to your car and told me to leave. Then without meeting my gaze you said you couldn’t be with me anymore. Not gonna lie, that shit hurt like a fucking bitch. I remember forcing myself not to breakdown, to wait and keep my shit together for just a little. I remember getting in that shitty Chrysler and that’s when it conveniently started to rain. As I drove away I started to mix up the rain or the tears as the reason for my blurred vision. I parked in front of ravens house and just sat with the car off. I told raven and Lauren what happened and where I was. I called my sister and I remember telling her what happened, then my phone dying conveniently. It seemed that the world sensed the chaos that would happen today because it all just appeared so cinematically cliche.

I sat in the car by myself for what seemed like forever, staring at the rain hitting the windshield and then sliding down. I remember feeling nothing and then everything all at once. I screamed and I cried. I screamed as loud as I could because maybe then I would pass out from using so much air usage. Tears slid down my face like the raindrops on the windshield. My heart hurt so bad and I remember gripping the place where it should be, trying to visualize putting pieces of something shattered back in place. Every fear and insecurity I had about love and relationships all occurred in a singular moment. It was devastating.

Lauren and Raven finally showed up and I remember sobbing in Lauren’s lap in the backseat of her car, just continuously saying “it hurts,” over and over again.

Of course, there was a part of me that knew you didn’t truly mean it, but that didn’t make the pain go away. That didn’t make those minutes I spent alone in that car any less shattering. I felt like a part of me was dying and that may be dramatic, but it is the truth. I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy.

That’s how I kicked off the worst year of my life and I can never come back from that fully. Every time I hear loud footsteps on a wooden floor I flinch, every time I hear a door slap I feel a twinge of panic circulate through me. Every time your mother drank after that I felt this tug on my heart like a reminder that at any moment things could spiral out of control and I could break all over again.

Like I said, that situation wasn’t your fault, it just unfortunately correlates to you and I still haven’t recovered.

All that aside, I am trying to say that the worst year of my life started like that and I am so sorry it was.

You say I am strong and tough and resilient, but I am not. I am just a person trying to not push away every loved one I have and trying to get over the troubles I harbor.

I will forever be in love with the boy I met in first grade, but being in love with you means that I want the best for you, and I am not the best. You deserve the world and you deserve to pursue happiness, with nothing holding you back. I hold you back. I have this illness and I know you do too, and that’s why I need to let you go. Because you need someone to take care of you and I can’t be that person as much as I desperately want to be and try to be. You are one of the hardest things I have ever had to let go. I just want you to be happy and I am okay if being happy means not being with me.

You were meant for greater things. You bring joy to everyone around you without knowing it. You have gone through so much and I am so proud of who you have become.

I love you with all my heart.

Thank you for being my best friend.